Parting Chances (Fighting Chance #1) Page 11

  There was silence on her end for a few moments while she took all that I told her in. “Honey, are you not willing to put yourself out there because you are afraid your heart can’t take anymore breaking?”

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t need to.

  “Haley, I know you’re sad I’m dying. I know your heart is breaking. But it’s a different kind of love. You need someone to be by your side through all of this. You can’t go at it alone. And from what I hear, this boy is deeply in love with you to have stuck around for so long. I don’t think you’ve lost him yet. But I don’t think you can continue to do what you’re doing. Not only is it not fair to him, but it’s not fair to you either. And I don’t want what is going on with me to be the thing that deters you from having a love life. I told you that you need to be happy. So do it. Be happy. I’m not going to be around much longer, and I want to see you happy.” Her words started fading towards the end as if she was falling asleep.

  Tears were rolling down my face, and I had to choke back a sob. “Okay, Mom. I’ll try.” It came out as a whisper.

  “Good. Maybe you’ll bring him home for me to meet sometime.”

  I could tell she had exuded all her energy with this phone call. “Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. I love you, Mom. Get some rest.”

  “Okay, dear. Love you too.” She hung up and I let out the sob I had been holding onto.

  Each time we talked on the phone, it had gotten shorter and shorter. She was getting too weak to hold the phone for very long and could barely stay awake for longer than fifteen minutes at a time.

  But most of all, she was right. I was terrified of losing her and what it would do to me. I had never thought I needed someone to be there with me as I went through it. I was too scared to let anyone get that close. But she was right. I wasn’t happy.

  Remembering Kyler’s words, I glanced at the clock. I’d only been home for an hour. Was an hour enough time to get past the hurt feeling? Probably not. I’d wait two hours. Yeah, that should be enough time. I’d call him at nine. We’d hash this out. We’d get past it…we’d have to get past it.

  For the first fifteen minutes, I was unable to do anything but pace my room. Then I scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom until they were sparkling. Clearly, my adrenaline was rushing, because I had managed to finish both of them within half an hour. Since I was dripping in sweat at that point, I figured a shower could eat up the last fifteen minutes. That was of course, if I could actually relax in the shower. Once I was under the pounding stream, my body started to relax. My mind focused only on the task of getting myself clean and nothing else. A fifteen-minute shower is a long one when you are used to the five-minute rush-before-class ones.

  Dressed in my pajamas, I sat in the middle of my bed gripping my phone. Had it been enough time? I didn’t want to wait any longer and make him think I didn’t care. Ugh. Why does this have to be so confusing? Finally, I sucked up enough courage to swipe through my contacts and select his name. His lopsided grin stared back at me, making my heart race more. And before I could talk myself out of it, I swiped over his name, placing the call. I fell back onto my bed and was tempted to bury my head under my pillow as I waited for him to pick up. And when I heard a click and a deep breath through the phone, my heart almost stopped.

  “Hey.” His voice was calm but was lacking the cheerful tone he usually had.

  “Hi.” I waited for him to say anything else, but he stayed silent, creating a very long awkward pause. “So, I was just calling to apologize for what happened tonight.”

  “When?” He bit out his one word response.

  “You know, tonight when your friend asked all those questions?”

  “And?” He sounded bored and was still giving one worders. I wanted to reach through the phone and shake him to get a better response out of him.

  Instead, I let out the breath I had been holding. “Well, you know when he asked if I had a thing for you, and I never responded?”

  “Yep.”

  Seriously?

  “I didn’t respond because those who needed to know the answer already did. I didn’t think it was a big deal.” I had snapped that last part out, but his one-word responses were really getting on my nerves. It’s like he didn’t even care what had happened, which made no sense because he had stormed away after it.

  “You’re right. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Wait. What? Why did you…?”

  He cut me off. “Haley, don’t worry about it. You were right in telling him we weren’t dating. And of course you’ve said it time and time again that you do like me, but you don’t want to date right now. Did he need to know that? No, he didn’t. He had no right to put you in that spot.”

  “But…why did you storm off the porch then?” Everything he was saying was just making me more and more confused.

  Eli sighed. “Why didn’t you just tell him? Especially after what they had all seen when they got there?”

  My heart stopped beating, I was sure of it. I even placed my fingers on my wrist to find a pulse. It was there, of course, and it was beating wildly out of control. “What do you mean?”

  “Haley, don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about. We almost kissed. You weren’t pushing me away. It would have happened if they hadn’t shown up. Then what? What if it had happened, Haley? What then?” His voice rose slowly while he was talking.

  “Um.” I gulped. “Well…” I didn’t have a good answer for him. I’m sure if we had kissed, it would have been amazing and exactly what I had wanted. But I also knew that I probably would have pushed him away because that was just too close. My mom’s words repeated in my head; I don’t think you’ve lost him yet. But I also don’t think you can continue to do what you’re doing.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Eli spat out. The line went silent, and my heart dropped. Did he just hang up on me?

  “Eli…”

  “Yeah?” he asked, sounding bored once again.

  I released a breath, thankful he was still on the line. I wasn’t sure how to say what I needed to tell him. But I knew he needed to know. “I um…I’m afraid.” I choked the words out and continued before I lost my courage. “If we had kissed, there would be no turning back for me. I would have been lost into you. You would have had me completely. And honestly, I want that. You have no idea how much I want that. But I am so scared right now. So terrified of losing my mom. So terrified of what could happen with us. So very terrified of pushing you away and losing you, too. I want to keep my walls up because they are the only thing holding me together right now. You don’t deserve to have to take care of me. You don’t deserve to have to see me at my worst. You should have a girlfriend who is complete and doesn’t have to deal with the issues I’m dealing with. It takes up so much of my time. The worrying, the crying, the dreaming of a future that will never exist. You deserve more. I can’t let you fall into the black hole that is my life right now.” Tears were flowing by now, but I did nothing to stop them. I had meant every word of what I said. And though my mom and Kyler said I would need someone by my side though all of this, I just couldn’t drag Eli into it. It was too messy. What guy would want to dive headfirst into that kind of crazy?

  “Hales?” Eli whispered.

  “Yeah?” I sniffed.

  “I’m not entirely sure it is up to you to decide what I can and cannot handle. Or what I’m willing to take on.” He said it softly, the old Eli taking place of the cold and distant Eli that had been front and center so many times recently. “I’m going to say this to you just one more time, okay? Are you listening?” He paused, waiting for a response.

  “Yes.” The word barely came out.

  “I. Will. Wait,” he said slowly, one by one. “However long it takes for you to break down that wall, I will wait. You may not have realized this, but you have already sucked me into your life. I care about you too much to let you go through all this alone. I need you in my life. So, I’ll be waiting on the sidelines for you to
realize just how much you need me, too.”

  My hand went over my mouth to muffle the sobs. How could he still want me? How could anyone want what I had to offer them right now?

  “You got all of that?” he asked. I could only nod, and though he couldn’t see me, I had a feeling he had sensed it. “Good. Now go to sleep. Get some rest. Have a good Thanksgiving break, and we’ll talk more when you come back.”

  “Talk more about what?” I wasn’t sure I could face him if we were going to discuss this all over.

  “Us.”

  My stomach somersaulted at that one word.

  “Because Haley,” he continued, “there is an us.”

  “Okay,” I croaked out.

  “Sweet dreams, Hales,” Eli said, then he hung up.

  My ear stayed pressed against the phone for the next hour as I replayed the entire conversation over again in my head. How did I get so lucky? This man, this beautiful man with an amazing soul wanted to be with me. He wanted to take on the mess that was my life. I just needed my heart and my brain to agree with each other. Because fighting the feelings for Eli was impossible now.

  Four days.

  Four days had passed since I had talked to Eli. And though it was Thanksgiving break, I still had to work. Noah and Kyler had left for their families’ houses the morning after our conversation. Eli had left sometime that afternoon, which meant for the last four days I’d been completely alone. And it was horrible. The last conversation we had replayed over and over again in my head, and my fingers itched to dial his number and tell him yes. But my stupid brain. Oh, my stupid brain—it still did not want to get on the same page as the rest of me. Still holding out for whatever reason.

  I loaded my car and headed to my parents’ house for three and a half glorious days of hanging out with the family. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday. My family went all out on dinner, even though it was always just the four of us. This year however, Caleb had to stay in Boston because of his internship, so it was going to be a little different, but I’m sure we’d still have the same spread. And while dinner cooked, Dad and I would sit on the couch and yell at whatever football games were on TV. Thanksgiving football—nothing really got any better than that. After dinner, we’d break out the Christmas decorations and transform the house. And I was so excited for it.

  The drive was slow thanks to the weather. Of course the first snow would happen when I was on the road. The normal fifteen minutes it usually took to get out of the city and onto the highway had turned into an hour and a half of stupidity. Apparently everyone had forgotten how to drive in the snow, so it was constant slamming on brakes and crawling at about ten miles per hour. I was beyond frustrated when I finally did get on the highway. The snow wasn’t even sticking, why were people acting like it was the biggest snowstorm of the century? It was not a good way to start my vacation, but I knew it would only get better from here on out. Nothing but me, my parents, football, and lots of delicious homemade food.

  I sang along with the radio to keep my mind occupied. Otherwise, it would go back to Eli. What was he doing? Who was he with? Was he still waiting for me, even though we hadn’t talked in four days? And so much for distracting myself.

  I turned the knob on the radio to a new station and gave a little cheer when I heard the chorus of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.” Cranking the radio even louder, I sang along with every holiday song that came on for the next two hours.

  When I finally turned on my parents’ street, my heart did a little jump. It felt like ages since I had last seen them. My teeth bit into my lip when I saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway, taking up the only available spot since Dad’s car was parked next to it.

  That’s odd. Dad always keeps his car in the garage when it snows. Without another option, I eased the car over to the curb. I couldn’t park there overnight, so I hoped whoever was here was planning on leaving at some point. Wait, why was there a random car here? Was Caleb able to get off and get here in time? With that thought and a smile plastered on my face, I hurried out of the car, collected my bags, and dragged them into the house.

  No one was there to greet me when I entered. Again…odd. Dad or Mom was always either by the door or on the porch when I arrived. I set my bags against the wall and shrugged out of my fleece. I hung it up to dry and kicked my shoes over by the heater so they would dry out too. Stupid sloppy mess outside.

  “Knock, knock. Hello? Anyone here?” I called out to the seemingly empty house. When I got no answer, I headed down the hall to the bedrooms. Maybe Mom was resting again. Soft music was coming from the bedroom. As I crept closer, I heard the ending chords of “What a Wonderful World” before “Brown Eyed Girl” started playing. A smile formed on my face as I remembered all the times my parents listened to the oldies; on car trips, while cleaning the house, summer nights in the backyard…it was the only music I listened to while growing up. That music would always be near and dear to my heart.

  I tapped lightly on the bedroom door and waited for an answer.

  “Come in,” a soft voice answered, but it didn’t sound like either of my parents. I pushed the door open and had an apology for being late on the tip of my tongue. But as I took in the room, I swallowed back whatever I was going to say. My mind went blank. My eyes scanned what used to be my parents’ room. I suppose it still was, in some way, but the medical equipment had me stumbling for words. Not even two years ago they had splurged on a new bed. Dad was excited about how the mattress had gone up and down and he wouldn’t have to stack pillows behind him to watch TV comfortably anymore. Now it had a rail attached on Mom’s side. An IV stand was placed just behind the bed. Machines that did who knows what beeped around the room. Bags of fluid hung off the bottom of the new bed rail. And in the middle of all this was my mom’s small frame, curled up under a mound of blankets.

  I had to blink a few times to make sure what I was seeing was true. After a moment, I finally caught the person whose voice had told me to come in. Sitting in a chair near the window was a young woman in purple scrubs. She gave me a warm smile and walked over to me.

  “You must be Haley. Your parents have told me so much about you.” She extended her hand, and I shook it limply.

  What was happening?

  “Well, that makes one of us.” It came out a lot harsher than I meant it too, but I honestly couldn’t help it. I had talked to Mom the other day and reaffirmed my plans with Dad just last night. Why the hell didn’t they tell me?

  The woman stared at me as she registered that I had no idea what was going on. “Oh. They didn’t tell you.” It wasn’t a question. I could only nod and shift my eyes to my mom. She looked so little and so much worse than before.

  “Well, your dad is in the basement if you want to talk to him. I’m Meg, by the way.” I nodded at her words, and I managed out a soft “hi” before my feet took me back down the hallway and to the basement. My dad sat flipping through a photo album with tear stains streaking his face. He startled when I sat down next to him.

  “Haley!” He clutched his heart. “I… I didn’t hear you come in.” He glanced around like he was trying to find some escape. Like he didn’t want to tell me what the hell was going on.

  “I got here about ten minutes ago.” My voice was just above a whisper.

  “Ten minutes? What were you doing for all that time?” He kind of seemed in a daze. It seemed like an odd question to ask. What did he think I was doing? Sitting in my car, twiddling my thumbs?

  “I met Meg.”

  He sighed and placed his head in his hands. “I hate that you found out that way.”

  “Found out what? What is going on, Dad?” We sat in silence for a few moments. My mind whirling, trying to take in everything I had seen in the first fifteen minutes I was there. Dad took his time answering me. I even nudged him slightly to break him out of whatever trance he was in.

  “Your mom had a checkup last week. It wasn’t good. The doctor…he…the doctor said…” Dad was cho
king on the words. I could feel the pin-pricks of tears forming in my eyes. Dad took a deep shaky breath and released it slowly. “The doctor said she probably only had five to seven weeks.” He let out a sob and covered his mouth with a palm.

  All I could hear was the dull thud of my heart in my ears. He said what? Five to seven weeks? “What?”

  “She’s getting so weak. She can barely get out of bed anymore. She has no appetite. The pain is damn near constant.” He started shaking his head like he was so helpless, grasping for a way to keep her longer but finding none. “I’ve been doing my best, but she requires round the clock care now. And I can’t be away from work that long. She didn’t want to be put in a hospice center, so we decided to bring it to her.”

  “What?” I cried. Dad wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to his chest.

  “She made it clear she didn’t want to die in a hospital. Meg is here to make her comfortable.” His chest rose with shaky breaths. My own breaths were coming out short, and I couldn’t get control of them.

  “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.” I repeated in my dad’s shirt. He rubbed my back and told me to take deep, slow breaths. I forced my eyes shut and breathed in deep. My nose filled with my dad’s Old Spice cologne, and that almost instantly soothed me. I continued to take deep breaths as he rubbed my back and quietly cried with me. I’m not sure how long we stayed there like that. But eventually, the tears stopped, and I could breathe again. Dad stood, pulling me with him, and we made our way up the stairs into the dark kitchen. We hugged and parted ways, each going to our bedrooms. I lay in bed that night just staring at the ceiling. My mom was dying. They had her pumped full of pain medicine at this point, just to keep her comfortable. My stomach squeezed, knowing that our time together was going to end soon.

  And there was nothing I could do about it.

  ***

  The next day, the day before Thanksgiving, Dad informed me we wouldn’t have our typical holiday.